Introduction

This is a love story about a teacher named Abbey and a student named Mitchell. It seems that Abbey was quite apprehensive about dating Mitchell, but slowly opened up to the idea. What follows are mostly emails from Mitchell, but due to his very unique and amusing writing style, you can easily tell what's going on between the two.

There were no pictures of Abbey or Mitchell on the floppies, so I searched the internet. I was easily able find a picture of Mitchell, but pictures of Abbey seem to be non-existent.

The emails cease suddenly on December 17th. What happens beyond then is anybody's guess, but from what I can tell through Google research is that Abbey has never married.

I hope you enjoy this small snapshot of this couple's time with each other. The emails are humorous and extremely enjoyable to read. I now bring you the story of Mitchell and Abbey...

June 20, 2003

From: "Mitchell"
To: "Abbey"
Subject: *don't let the disappointment show*
Date: Fri, 20 Jun 2003 17:52:31 +0000

howdy,
i don't know if you're at the school or whether you'll be reading this today
or sometime early next week, but should your plans with bonnie fall through,
please give me a call. heck, you can call me for anything (except to make
fun of my mother). i gotta run (going out for lunch with my sister, dr.
jessica [she passed her dissertation defense. both of my parents
weeped. it was touching, and that means a lot coming from a sociopath]).
ummm, when i have a minute, i'd like to defend 'joseph' and tell you all
about it. its a wonderful musical. really. donny osmond.... purrrrrrr.
goodbye,

reuben (or rueben [one of joseph's many brothers])

~if you desire peace of soul and happiness, then believe; if you would be a
disciple of truth, then inquire.~

---------------------------------------------------

From: "Mitchell"
To: "Abbey"
Subject: go go joe
Date: Fri, 20 Jun 2003 20:50:45 +0000

joseph: imagine me, a young grade seven (seven? or eight?) student
travelling to the albertan provincial capital from the horrid dread that is
cold lake to watch 'joseph'. imagine the excitement of watching my first
musical (or did i lose my musical virginity to the phantom? i don't
remember now) after weeks of donny osmond's smiling face in the tv
advertisement for the show. i was set. donny was to entertain me for an
hour and a half. when we arrived, there were rumours that donny may not be
performing because of a mystery illness (i found out last year that it was
during this time that donny osmond was canceling shows b/c of his bouts with
depression. actually, the shows weren't being canceled, instead, someone
else was filling in as joseph). would it be donny osmond singing and acting
for me, or some other dolt? the tension. the tension. at showtime, i was
delighted when donny stepped out on stage and began singing 'any dream will
do'. my heart stopped. from start to finish, donny was shining. i wanted
to be one of the chorus kids who gave up their summer to do the show. i
knew all the words. soon my desire changed. instead i wanted to be a
brother. yes, either rueben or simeon (thats probably who your brother was)
to be specific. i could sing 'one more angel in heaven' and 'those canaan
days' like a bird (my voice hadn't deepened yet). but, somehow i missed my
casting call. shucks, darnit. fast forward to the fine summer of 1998 and
again i went and saw 'joseph'. this time it was in winnipeg, with donny
osmond's nephew in the lead (big deal). again, i was mesmorized. i still
think that theres a chance that i could land a place in the cast. i'd be
the best rueben/simeon. then you could say, "yeah, y'know that mitchell
k? i knew him gooooood." if that were to fall through, i'd also
settle as being marius from 'les mis' (i've always fancied myself a bit of a
lover/dreamer), or if thats too ambitious, i'd happily be courfeyrac ("the
blood of the martyrs will water the meadows of fr____ance!"). i've never
seen 'j.c. superstar', though i've heard the music. i feel its
mediocre-to-reasonable (i can hear you groaning).

did i say that my parents 'weeped'? i think i meant 'wept'.

i just spent $27 on cheese. how perfect? cheese is the sole food that
keeps me from becoming a vegan. no joke.

i don't think melanie makes fun of you at all. in fact, i'd say she's
rather fond of you.

i thought that i was beyond the point of getting a sunburn. yesterday i
learned how wrong i was. my upper-chest region is like a cherry. very
painful. i'm a mimosa: if you touch my shoulders/chest, i collapse. my mom
says i shouldn't go outside, but what does she know? not very much, it
would seem. in fact, i'm going to go serenade the birds right now.
have fun with your test. make sure jack doesn't cheat, that little rat
(ha).

regards,
mitchell

~if you desire peace of soul and happiness, then believe; if you would be a
disciple of truth, then inquire.~

June 22, 2003

From: "Mitchell"
To: "Abbey"
Subject: why i like Abbey (oh, let me count the ways)
Date: Sun, 22 Jun 2003 08:50:38 +0000

i think that she is a lovely person. she is very funny. she makes me
laugh. she humbles me. she makes me think. she listens to pretty good
music. she says 'oopsk'. she likes vonne. she challenges me. she dresses
nice. she drives what i am told is a cool car. she tells great stories.
she's willing to drive to portage la prairie simply because it seems like a
different thing to do. she is weird. she is interested in ernesto guevara.
she seemingly likes the ezln. she has a fine appreciation for ringo
starr's acting abilities. she has a mean sense of humour. she has a good
sense of humour. she told me about the soft-porn on tln (which i don't
watch because i am denying myself of earthly pleasures). she thinks that
miss arnold was a bitch to me. she has poor taste in musicals (but tries
very hard). she has a nice smile. she is awkward (in an endearing way).
she can be intense. she can be laid back. she has wonderful eyes. she
helped me with my honours paper. she is witty. she holds unexplainable
hostility towards me... actually thats not a good thing (why, Abbey, why?).
she's a good sport. she can punch surprisingly hard. she sends me emails
(3/4 of which are nice). she is a nice golden colour. she was concerned
about the possible existence of my non-existent iron lung. she appreciates
plants. she likes to watch lightning. she likes good food. she puts up
with my garbage. she has been brave enough to call me. she only holds a
grudge for a short while. she's small. she's purdy. she is interesting.
she makes me feel good. but more than anything, i like Abbey because she
makes lousy bets:

"March 1, 1968 saw the first performance of Joseph and the Amazing
Technicolor Dreamcoat at Colet Court School in London. Andrew Lloyd Webber
and Tim Rice had been commissioned by the school's headmaster to create an
original musical piece for the end-of-term concert. The result was the first
version of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat."
the cheque can be made out to: mitchell k, 55 sheff.... .....
....

bye bye birdie,
asher

p.s. oh, come on. you deserve this.
p.p.s. more or less, all the other stuff i wrote is true. honestly. but
that probably doesn't matter now.
~a fool and her money are soon parted~

June 23, 2003

From: "Mitchell"
To: "Abbey"Subject: warning: evidence of my madness
Date: Tue, 24 Jun 2003 05:11:04 +0000 g'day,

explain -> your use of an exclamation point in your title ("why Abbey doesn't
like (!) mitchell - three ways")baffles me. i'd appreciate a
george-bernard-shaw-stylistic explanation.

there are only three reasons (or in Abbey-speak, 'ways') why you don't like me
(a rhetorical question. please do not answer this)? wow, coming from you,
thats almost like a compliment (using mathematical reasoning). i could
think of at least a dozen reasons why you shouldn't like me (but i wouldn't
want to tip you off). what i actually expected was an explanation, baited
with hyperbole and sarcasm, of why you like me. it would have been the
final insult and i could have said, "forget about her, she's just not worth
the hassle and emotional flesh-wounds". but once again, you didn't bite
(Abbey thinks to herself, "i should've biten, i should've biten." sorry, you
missed your opportunity. i'll be back, same time tomorrow. haha).the 
reason mitchell talks too much: because Abbey was being a child on 
saturday night by refusing to converse. yes, that's right, a child.so, i've 
been laughing secretly to myself for the past 43+ hours. do you
know what an iron lung is (nope, not just a radiohead song)? methinks you
don't. funny girl. i don't think one would fit under my shirt. boy, that
really kills me.

regarding the money that you owe me: under the normal run of things, i
would have said, "oh Abbey, i don't care about the money. it was just a
farmer's bet". and you would've said, "oh mitchell, i'm soooo happy to hear
that," and we would have been merry. unfortunately though, this is not the
normal run of things. the repo-man has been contacted and they'll be by
tomorrow for your shoes (holly hunter speaking to ewan mcgregor in 'a life
less ordinary', the 1997 sleeper film, "we can do this with or without
force. it's entirely up to you". classic [me stealing your joke. i can
imagine you doing a weird spasm right now]). i will use the money to
purchase those 45's i saw at 'into the music' last week. they will then
collect dust on my shelf with all of my other 45's. meanwhile, i will laugh
at the thought of a barefooted Abbey NOT giving her mother a birthday gift.
hmmm.... ahhhh...

OR

you could pay off the debt by pretending to be my girlfriend and making me
popular so that everyone wants to go to the highschool prom with me (during
which time i will mow the lawn for your rich father). the background music
could be a 1964 lennon/mccartney rocker. how perfect? i just made that up.
honestly.

i've spent some time trying to place the master's of the hemisphere. today
it dawned on me: they're a knock-off of the royal guardsmen (both with
their 'concept album' and their sound). this isn't necessarily a bad thing.
the royal guardsmen are great ("blimey no guff, i was a bit busy right
about then." hmmmm).

your pc is broken for good? well, i hope you learned a valuable lesson
about the potential of acquiring a virus through internet porno.my greek 
dinner went off without a hitch. the ouzo was flowing. my
dolmathes were perfect. my tyropitas were delightful. my saganaki,
indescribable. the dinner was complemented by mikis theodorakis playing
'zorba the greek'. i am told that for a vegetarian, i make a mean lamb
souvlaki. iam tha grate-est, evar.

i threw out over 1100 geraniums today. it made me feel great. i hate
geraniums. i was also excited to toss out the nicotiana, too. tonight i
will write a ballad documenting the day's trials. nothing can touch me
(actually, the tomatoes struck a nerve. after work, i dropped off a few
tomato plants at dan's house to save them from an untimely death. he was
thrilled).

some advice: you should probably write a letter to someone that you love
and miss. they will surely appreciate it more than you could ever imagine.
i hate the family circus. it makes me super angry. one time (many moons
ago) i submitted a comic to 'the manitoban'. it was called 'family
jerk-us'. this particular comic featured barfy the dog mounting young pj
(who was crying), with dolly yelling, "mommy! barfy's wrestlin' with pj
again". it was classy. i regret to conclude by saying that 'the manitoban'
never published my comic. communist bastards.

here i conclude, the amalgamation of my thoughts. 1) what have you learned?
2) that mitchell can be mean? 3) that mitchell can be nice? 4) that
mitchell can be serious? 5) or that mitchell jests? 6) why does he play
games? 7) is he just a foolish child? 8) naive? 9) immature? the denouement: 
1) uber alles, if you've taken anything from this email, let
it be this: write a letter to a brother, a cousin, an aunt, an uncle, or an
old friend. 2) no, mitchell is not mean, though he may seem like it
sometimes (he has a knee-jerk reaction to perceived threats). 3) yeah,
mitchell can be nice. he is outwardly polite (though, he does have a little
fire in his belly). just be glad you can't read his thoughts (they may make
you reconsider his honesty to question #2). 4) yes, mitchell can be serious,
but in doing so it opens up soft spots in his armour. ergo, he tries to
avoid this as much as possible. he likes to leave little hints of what he
really thinks. you have to find these clues. 5) yes, probably more than he
should. but this is his armour. 6) the games that he plays are, in part,
an expression of his own insecurities. the other part is simply that he
likes to play games. 7) all signs point to 'yes'. fuck the signs. 8) no,
not naive. he knows where he should and shouldn't be sniffing (sort of like
a dog). 9) immature... i would hope not. its all relative, anyways.

adios senorita,waylon

p.s. i think we should leg-wrestle sometime. i would like very much to
crush you and i doubt (because of your petite frame) that you would stand
much of a chance. then i would laugh at you and say, "take that, senorita,"
or maybe "go home to mama and cry, little girl". that would be a fine
day...p.p.s. have i ever told you that you're a great person? seriously. no
joke. no snide bracketed comments to trample on the serious tone of my
admission. just a compliment. plain and simple. you're great.

~after the turn of the century, in the clear blue skies over germany, came a
roar and a thunder man had never heard, like the screaming sound of a big
war-bird~

June 24, 2003

From: "Mitchell"
To: "Abbey"
Subject: straight-up, no strings attached.
Date: Wed, 25 Jun 2003 05:17:35 +0000

to an often-confused girl, ok, here's the deal. no joking around, no coded 
text, and/or no sneaky metaphors. i promise.

i can't believe how evil freemdoom is. seriously. i imagined that he was
just a poor misguided dog, not a corporate son-of-a-bitch (i jest). i was a
little shocked reading that comic. and i also lost respect for gorgar (even
though he reforms). what is he, some sort of goon (i already know the
answer to this)? a sturm abteilung? may i just say that i am disappointed.
very disappointed. at least manfred von richthofen and snoopy find peace
(though they are certain they'll meet on some other day). how will i sleep
tonight? i'll give your cd back next time i see you (see below).

i like Abbey when she is nice and pats me on the back. it makes me happy
(mitchell's first complete sentences, age 5).

how did the essembly of the table go? i imagined your trials whilst i was
on the boring parts of my tour of the exchange district (which, may i say
was not as bad as i thought it might be).

have you ever seen sam raimi's "army of darkness"? its one of my favorite
movies. it's super funny only because raimi doesn't take it too seriously.
some of the best lines include, "give me some sugar, baby" and "hail the
king, baby".

bob dylan (circa 1963-1967 [i.e. when he was an angry young man]) is super
cool. if "masters of war", "don't think twice, it's alright", and "baby,
let me follow you down" aren't some of the best songs ever, i don't know
what is (are?). (*my mind starts racing*) there's one or two pictures of
bob dylan that i can think of where i'd say he's looking rather handsome.
in every other picture, he's pretty revolting. that (and his crappy-raspy
voice) is/are part of his appeal, i feel. if you're sad that you're not
photogenic, by glad that you aren't bob.

it is incredibly hot in my computer room right now. meat is falling off the
bone.

i leave for rory's cabin on thursday afternoon. i would very much like to
see you before then, if possible (unlike saturday night, Abbey was rather cool
and charming today. she deserves extra dessert or something). may i
suggest either wednesday night (after your class [you do have class, don't
you?]) or thursday morning for breakfast/brunch/lunch? check your (very
busy) schedule and let me know.

i bought a book at the mondragon tonight. my desire: to read the book on
the weekend and appear to be all the more intelligent because of it. my
reality: to have the book sit on my bookshelf untouched, so that
unsuspecting visitors will see it and imagine that i am intelligent (though
i will know the truth). welcome to my world.

adieu et bon soir (or "bon nuit"...? ten years of french education coming
out here. i'm awfully glad it shows), etienne

p.s. les singes dansaient dans la bibliotheque avec les souris. god, help
me! i really should stop while i'm ahead. i only open myself to ridicule.
thankfully Abbey is nice now and won't make fun of me...

~if you desire peace of soul and happiness, then believe; if you would be a
disciple of truth, then inquire.~


--------------------------------------------------------


From: "Mitchell"
To: "Abbey"
Subject: Re: warning: evidence of my madness
Date: Tue, 24 Jun 2003 16:22:59 +0000


"Can I speak to you in person?" this makes me nervous. are you going to 
yell at me?i'll be at the university this afternoon. please be gentle.


~if you desire peace of soul and happiness, then believe; if you would be a
disciple of truth, then inquire.~

June 25, 2003

From: "Mitchell"
To: "Abbey"
Subject: sprechen zee inglish (i just know that this is spelled horribly wrong)?
Date: Wed, 25 Jun 2003 23:11:41 +0000

meet you? parking lot at ten? is that what you want? sorry, my french is
worse than my spanish (imagine that). i will assume that's what you meant.

"Mais je préfère Abbey touchée a Abbey qui touche."
what's this mean? it sounds dirty.

"Et pourquoi tu veux me voire?"
so that i can yell at you. actually, i just want to see your eyeballs (and
pat you on the back).

until later,
mishka

~if you desire peace of soul and happiness, then believe; if you would be a
disciple of truth, then inquire.~

June 29, 2003

From: "Mitchell"
To: "Abbey"
Subject: a fair lady/a weekend to forget
Date: Mon, 30 Jun 2003 02:13:08 +0000

some words:
a fair lady once told me that my eyes are too far apart and my nose is too
short. a compliment masked as an insult? or an insult masked as a
compliment? i cannot decide. i would like to tell her that she could be
more gracious in her approach to human interactions, but at the same time i
find her fumbling to be rather endearing.

a fair lady once asked me if i considered her to be an experiment. i
probably laughed at her suggestion (i do not recall). what i meant to say
was that i am not interested in science. its too apollo-ish for me.
objectivity and truth frighten me. really.

there's a fair lady that i know. i like her, though i feel that she thinks
about things too much (it's not like i should talk, as i have a habit of
analyzing, reanalyzing, and then deconstructuring my analysis). i don't
think that this fair lady should try to read into things too much...i am an
open book (please don't write in my margins).

------------------

a weekend to forget:
after finding myself on an island with (certain) people i have known for
years, i am rather astonished by how little i know about them. what is even
more frightening is that i have discovered that i don't really care to know
much about them. how sad.

god has a (bad) sense of humour: it was pretty miserable all weekend until
i was ready to leave the cabin. then the sun came out.
nothing beats drinking beer in a hot tub, while being naked with some good
friends (the highlight of the weekend).
nothing worse than having these same good friends go home a day early
(saturday rather than sunday) and being left with people you don't know
about/care about.

sometimes i prefer to be left alone (to sit on the dock and contemplate the
cosmos, perhaps?). sometimes people won't leave me alone for more than two
minutes, even if i make a point of quietly sneaking off.

lately, in many aspects, my life has been on a plate for everyone to
examine. i don't really like that too much (it blows my attempt to appear
mysterious [*snickering to myself*] and it serves as ammunition for people
to use against me later [bastards]). this is made doubly worse by the fact
that those who know too much about my personal life are the same
aforementioned ones that i am uninterested in. i must become a recluse.
yes, indeed. this was a weekend to forget.

i hope you are well and that you had a kick-ass weekend (to make up for my
mediocre-to-bad weekend).

regards,
mikhail davidov

p.s. on thursday i had to be in top form for a breakfast date and a lunch
date, and drive out to kenora, all on a mere two and a half hours of sleep.
the moral: Abbey is hazardous to my health.
to hell with morals.
p.p.s. any comments, questions, and/or concerns can be addressed to
kxxxx@hotmail.com. i'd be happy to help you with any problems. thank-you.

~if you desire peace of soul and happiness, then believe; if you would be a
disciple of truth, then inquire.~