June 23, 2003

From: "Mitchell"
To: "Abbey"Subject: warning: evidence of my madness
Date: Tue, 24 Jun 2003 05:11:04 +0000 g'day,

explain -> your use of an exclamation point in your title ("why Abbey doesn't
like (!) mitchell - three ways")baffles me. i'd appreciate a
george-bernard-shaw-stylistic explanation.

there are only three reasons (or in Abbey-speak, 'ways') why you don't like me
(a rhetorical question. please do not answer this)? wow, coming from you,
thats almost like a compliment (using mathematical reasoning). i could
think of at least a dozen reasons why you shouldn't like me (but i wouldn't
want to tip you off). what i actually expected was an explanation, baited
with hyperbole and sarcasm, of why you like me. it would have been the
final insult and i could have said, "forget about her, she's just not worth
the hassle and emotional flesh-wounds". but once again, you didn't bite
(Abbey thinks to herself, "i should've biten, i should've biten." sorry, you
missed your opportunity. i'll be back, same time tomorrow. haha).the 
reason mitchell talks too much: because Abbey was being a child on 
saturday night by refusing to converse. yes, that's right, a child.so, i've 
been laughing secretly to myself for the past 43+ hours. do you
know what an iron lung is (nope, not just a radiohead song)? methinks you
don't. funny girl. i don't think one would fit under my shirt. boy, that
really kills me.

regarding the money that you owe me: under the normal run of things, i
would have said, "oh Abbey, i don't care about the money. it was just a
farmer's bet". and you would've said, "oh mitchell, i'm soooo happy to hear
that," and we would have been merry. unfortunately though, this is not the
normal run of things. the repo-man has been contacted and they'll be by
tomorrow for your shoes (holly hunter speaking to ewan mcgregor in 'a life
less ordinary', the 1997 sleeper film, "we can do this with or without
force. it's entirely up to you". classic [me stealing your joke. i can
imagine you doing a weird spasm right now]). i will use the money to
purchase those 45's i saw at 'into the music' last week. they will then
collect dust on my shelf with all of my other 45's. meanwhile, i will laugh
at the thought of a barefooted Abbey NOT giving her mother a birthday gift.
hmmm.... ahhhh...

OR

you could pay off the debt by pretending to be my girlfriend and making me
popular so that everyone wants to go to the highschool prom with me (during
which time i will mow the lawn for your rich father). the background music
could be a 1964 lennon/mccartney rocker. how perfect? i just made that up.
honestly.

i've spent some time trying to place the master's of the hemisphere. today
it dawned on me: they're a knock-off of the royal guardsmen (both with
their 'concept album' and their sound). this isn't necessarily a bad thing.
the royal guardsmen are great ("blimey no guff, i was a bit busy right
about then." hmmmm).

your pc is broken for good? well, i hope you learned a valuable lesson
about the potential of acquiring a virus through internet porno.my greek 
dinner went off without a hitch. the ouzo was flowing. my
dolmathes were perfect. my tyropitas were delightful. my saganaki,
indescribable. the dinner was complemented by mikis theodorakis playing
'zorba the greek'. i am told that for a vegetarian, i make a mean lamb
souvlaki. iam tha grate-est, evar.

i threw out over 1100 geraniums today. it made me feel great. i hate
geraniums. i was also excited to toss out the nicotiana, too. tonight i
will write a ballad documenting the day's trials. nothing can touch me
(actually, the tomatoes struck a nerve. after work, i dropped off a few
tomato plants at dan's house to save them from an untimely death. he was
thrilled).

some advice: you should probably write a letter to someone that you love
and miss. they will surely appreciate it more than you could ever imagine.
i hate the family circus. it makes me super angry. one time (many moons
ago) i submitted a comic to 'the manitoban'. it was called 'family
jerk-us'. this particular comic featured barfy the dog mounting young pj
(who was crying), with dolly yelling, "mommy! barfy's wrestlin' with pj
again". it was classy. i regret to conclude by saying that 'the manitoban'
never published my comic. communist bastards.

here i conclude, the amalgamation of my thoughts. 1) what have you learned?
2) that mitchell can be mean? 3) that mitchell can be nice? 4) that
mitchell can be serious? 5) or that mitchell jests? 6) why does he play
games? 7) is he just a foolish child? 8) naive? 9) immature? the denouement: 
1) uber alles, if you've taken anything from this email, let
it be this: write a letter to a brother, a cousin, an aunt, an uncle, or an
old friend. 2) no, mitchell is not mean, though he may seem like it
sometimes (he has a knee-jerk reaction to perceived threats). 3) yeah,
mitchell can be nice. he is outwardly polite (though, he does have a little
fire in his belly). just be glad you can't read his thoughts (they may make
you reconsider his honesty to question #2). 4) yes, mitchell can be serious,
but in doing so it opens up soft spots in his armour. ergo, he tries to
avoid this as much as possible. he likes to leave little hints of what he
really thinks. you have to find these clues. 5) yes, probably more than he
should. but this is his armour. 6) the games that he plays are, in part,
an expression of his own insecurities. the other part is simply that he
likes to play games. 7) all signs point to 'yes'. fuck the signs. 8) no,
not naive. he knows where he should and shouldn't be sniffing (sort of like
a dog). 9) immature... i would hope not. its all relative, anyways.

adios senorita,waylon

p.s. i think we should leg-wrestle sometime. i would like very much to
crush you and i doubt (because of your petite frame) that you would stand
much of a chance. then i would laugh at you and say, "take that, senorita,"
or maybe "go home to mama and cry, little girl". that would be a fine
day...p.p.s. have i ever told you that you're a great person? seriously. no
joke. no snide bracketed comments to trample on the serious tone of my
admission. just a compliment. plain and simple. you're great.

~after the turn of the century, in the clear blue skies over germany, came a
roar and a thunder man had never heard, like the screaming sound of a big
war-bird~