July 25, 2003

From: "Mitchell"
To: "Abbey"
Subject: batta-bing
Date: Fri, 25 Jul 2003 21:58:49 +0000

please, "krauss" embarasses me. it sounds like a rapper or something and a
rapper i am not. "mitchell" marginally embarasses me as well.
i've tried to change it to something more professional like "M.D.
K" or something ridiculous (and slightly more humorous) like
"Miguelito, defender of justice and loyal friend to all the animals of the
great forest" or "Pierre Laforte", but hotmail (as in the corporate
identity) won't let me. they insist i pay them money. thus, whenever i
email people who regard themselves as my "superior", i always squirm a bit
when i press "send". my personal favorite response comes from my old friend
("old" in both age [63] and the time i've known him), jake vernon (economics
prof and your fellow recipient of the "mitchell k. card of
appreciation". he's even done one better than you: he also received a
postcard from me while i was in utrecht - it was a picture of two lambs
trying to have sex ["trying" because they were very young and probably
unable to mate]. granted, i've never seen him naked... [josh and david have
had this pleasure while showering with him at the gym. mmmmmm]) : whenever
he emails me, he signs it "tricycle josh". even now, it still makes me
smile.

disclaimer: my last email was not supposed to be exciting. it was supposed
to possess maximum utility (did it?). strictly business. no fun and games.
sorry to disappoint ("disappoint" is an interesting word. consider it for
a moment: disappointed would seem to be the inverse of appoint [in the sense
that at one time, a person [you/me/my mom/daniel spanu] was appointed [to a
job or something], then did something wrong [maybe sexual harassment, maybe
theft] to be relieved of their job/position/whatever. they have thus been
dis-appointed. "mitchell must be disappointed/dis-appointed. he lost his
job" [incredible: this explanation makes little-to-no sense]).
if i am sage, you are thyme (this is clever for two reasons).
i am not filled with ennui. i am not filled with anything (i missed lunch).

"Has your talent dried up?" at which point did i have talent? how could
i have missed this?

older women mistake me for movie stars. you mistook (note verb tense) me
for someone with talent (no matter what you try to say, you cannot possibly
negate the declaration that became stunningly apparant in your message - YOU
THOUGHT I HAD TALENT! *still chuckling to myself*. your father mistakes me
for a filipino with a truck. who is this mitchell k? he sounds
rather interesting (just a guise... really, he's boring [bite at this one,
little fishy]).

"MacCauly Caulkin" -> cruel jokes are not effective when spelt incorektly
(unless they're a mockery). "Abbey, C- -a noble attempt that left
something to be desired. better luck next time."

i went to the pemby last night for josh's going away party. i am not
entirely sure why i attract men. it baffles me. upon arriving, i was
immediately sexually assaulted by a young man named charlie dross. under
threat of eternal shame, he made me kiss him and lick his face. very
distasteful. later when saying bye to josh, he (josh, not charlie)
embraced me and said, "kiss me, comrade." how could i refuse? its funny
because when i was walking into the pemby prior, i was commenting to rory
and david about the homo-eroticism of lou reed. how suiting.

well, i'm going to go eat dinner. my stomach tells me that it is very
hungry. i think i'll go to the fringe festival tonight (staying away from
the dadas, though. "holy fiddlesticks, batman! that show we saw was
awful").

yours,
richard gere

p.s. say "hi" to james for me.

~if you desire peace of soul and happiness, then believe; if you would be a
disciple of truth, then inquire.~