8:20 pm
look, i know you said that you want to drop this, but i would feel
cheap if
i didn't share with you what i have to say. i don't think that i was making
fun of you at all. if i've learned anything about you, it's that i really
really really should not pick on you for these types of things. that said,
allow me continue.
i don't really know what you had with this fella, whether it was just a
couple of friends who would occasionally screw for the sake of it or if he
was your "boyfriend" (i'm cringing right now). if it were the former, i
don't really see what the problem was: there's no reason to abandon your
friend just because he/she/it moves to another city. that's absurd. if, on
the other hand, you were putting your romantic life on hold because you felt
sorry for him and there really was no hope for continuing the relationship
except for 2000km booty-calls, then i may suggest that it was time to
reconsider things. to me, at least, that doesn't really seem worth the
emotional pain of having to live without someone and without the hopes of
that person returning or you joining them (i don't know, maybe there was an
elaborate plan for an eventual reunion where you both lived in the same
city). you're probably just stronger than i am.
i didn't share with you what i have to say. i don't think that i was making
fun of you at all. if i've learned anything about you, it's that i really
really really should not pick on you for these types of things. that said,
allow me continue.
i don't really know what you had with this fella, whether it was just a
couple of friends who would occasionally screw for the sake of it or if he
was your "boyfriend" (i'm cringing right now). if it were the former, i
don't really see what the problem was: there's no reason to abandon your
friend just because he/she/it moves to another city. that's absurd. if, on
the other hand, you were putting your romantic life on hold because you felt
sorry for him and there really was no hope for continuing the relationship
except for 2000km booty-calls, then i may suggest that it was time to
reconsider things. to me, at least, that doesn't really seem worth the
emotional pain of having to live without someone and without the hopes of
that person returning or you joining them (i don't know, maybe there was an
elaborate plan for an eventual reunion where you both lived in the same
city). you're probably just stronger than i am.
i was not saying you shouldn't have remained friends with this person. that
would be hypocritical, as about 75% of the people that i really care about
live throughout this country or overseas. but, i think it's important to
distinguish between friendships and romantic involvements because you claim
that you've never remained friends with someone that you had once been
intimate with. that complicates matters because to end romanticism means to
end all contact. i'm not really sure where this paragraph is going, so
allow me to start anew.
i take exception to some of the accusations that you make:
"You slip in and out of them as if they were one of your crappy t-shirts
that cost $9.99 and could fit anyone."
you don't know that's true at all. i've only been in a few (what i would
consider) serious relationships. i don't jump from girl to girl, you know.
further, i have remained friends with each of these people after the
romantic relationship because, unlike you, i think that a friendship
develops along with the intimacy and it's not as easy to completely throw
someone out of your life simply because there is no more sex.
"I don't appreciate your involving me in your easy virtue"
again, i do not have easy virtue. when i think back on the time i've been
with you, i can't believe the degree of my self-uncertainty. it kills me
that you won't ever open up to me and i hardly consider my desire for you to
do so as "easy virtue".
a plea: please, please, please never keep me around only because you don't
want to hurt my feelings. i do have some sort of pride and i think this
type of action would seriously affect it. though i wouldn't be impressed
with you initially if you were to dump my ass, i know that i wouldn't hold a
grudge and would even come to respect your opinion.
a confession: yes, i truly am naive and for the longest time i did think
that you were a rock. i'm sure that's the image you were trying to give off
and it worked. sorry if i have trouble adjusting to this and for appearing
desensitized, but i, too, was practicing self-preservation.
and finally: i would hope that i learn from my mistakes and i know i've done
many outrageous things in relationships. i don't think you're really crazy
at all because i'm really no better (and i consider myself relatively sane).
please know that if i don't agree with you, it's not because i'm trying to
be mean or make fun of you. i would hope that you would comment on things
about me that you take exception to.
i'm sorry if i hurt your feelings. i'm also sorry that you had to read this
email. it doesn't really make any sort of logical sense: it jumps around
more than the frickin' easter bunny (second cousin to jesus of nazareth and
responsible for getting him out of that damned cave that the wandering jew
threw him in).
i hope that you were able to make some sense out of it.
goodbye,
Mitchell
------------------------------------------------------------------
10:38 pm – many questions
indeed, your accusations are wrong. despite what you may think,
i am not
easy (why the hell am i defending my sexuality?) and until about two minutes
ago, i was unaware that i forced cheap intimicies on people. let me tell
you, it feels great to know you think this about me. thank-you.
you're right, i am a dumper. never in my life has anyone ever broken up
with me (not true, actually, a lady once dumped me, but then we got back
together the next day). does this make me a bad person? do i lack moral
fibre? so it seems. again, thanks.
admittedly, i am a little confused by your position. you claim that you
don't agree with marriage because no one could possibly care about another
person without eventually losing interest (a paraphrase). still, you see it
as morally damning when someone terminates a relationship with you
simply because "[you are] not worth what [you] once w[ere]." according to
you, wasn't this merely how things were supposed to turnout, weren't all
those "dumpers" merely fulfilling their historical role and destiny (as you
imply that i will someday do)? further, why do you continue, knowing that
it always ends the same? also, was it not you that scoffed along with me
when i said that my friends that have moved away have chosen to remain with
their significant others? why the sudden reversion back to your former
position that it was best that people stay together (or were you merely
playing to the crowd)?
why are you so concerned about smelling like roses when everything has been
said and done? you blame me for our intimacy (certainly a peculiar take on
the subject: you finding me guilty of being interested in you and wanting to
form some sort of relationship) and insist that you're only "playing along"
(once more, thanks. you make me treasure everything that we've shared).
you also make it sound like a crime to be hurt by people and want to end a
relationship because of that hurt. you make quite a case for resistance to
oppression.
stop being a fucking self-fulfilling prophesy.
easy (why the hell am i defending my sexuality?) and until about two minutes
ago, i was unaware that i forced cheap intimicies on people. let me tell
you, it feels great to know you think this about me. thank-you.
you're right, i am a dumper. never in my life has anyone ever broken up
with me (not true, actually, a lady once dumped me, but then we got back
together the next day). does this make me a bad person? do i lack moral
fibre? so it seems. again, thanks.
admittedly, i am a little confused by your position. you claim that you
don't agree with marriage because no one could possibly care about another
person without eventually losing interest (a paraphrase). still, you see it
as morally damning when someone terminates a relationship with you
simply because "[you are] not worth what [you] once w[ere]." according to
you, wasn't this merely how things were supposed to turnout, weren't all
those "dumpers" merely fulfilling their historical role and destiny (as you
imply that i will someday do)? further, why do you continue, knowing that
it always ends the same? also, was it not you that scoffed along with me
when i said that my friends that have moved away have chosen to remain with
their significant others? why the sudden reversion back to your former
position that it was best that people stay together (or were you merely
playing to the crowd)?
why are you so concerned about smelling like roses when everything has been
said and done? you blame me for our intimacy (certainly a peculiar take on
the subject: you finding me guilty of being interested in you and wanting to
form some sort of relationship) and insist that you're only "playing along"
(once more, thanks. you make me treasure everything that we've shared).
you also make it sound like a crime to be hurt by people and want to end a
relationship because of that hurt. you make quite a case for resistance to
oppression.
stop being a fucking self-fulfilling prophesy.
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